Disheartened
Well, Jeremy didn't get home until like 2:20am this morning... but, that's a whole 'nother blog entry... Anyways... he and I were talking until almost 5 am; even though he knew he had to work today.
He was telling me about work and all... and when he started kind of winding down, I told him that this baby was going to be born at home. He told me that no, it wasn't. He told me that I wasn't in good enough shape to do it at home. I told him what difference would it make in the hospital? He also told me that it was awful seeing me in pain for my births... Its not like I'll be taking drugs there anyways! He told me that I am constantly breathing hard or catching my breath or something to do with my breathing. I told him that is because this baby is positioned differently then the others but right before the due date, he'll drop and I'll breathe better. He said I'm having too many aches and pains and I have to roll off the couch and stuff... Again... positioning. I remember having to roll off the couch for my other pregnancies. And I had aches for Calista too. Then he was telling me that he had dreams about this baby's birth. Brought up the one about me checking my dilation. I told him I thought that was a good sign. He told me he didn't tell me the rest of the dream. The baby was not there. It wasn't born but I wasn't pregnant anymore after checking my dilation. He couldn't remember how far dilated I was. He told me that he fears that this baby will have problems because of my breathing. That he'll have lung problems. That God doesn't want him having a son, so, they'll be something 'wrong' with him. I told him that the baby is fine. I give birth to strong babies. I told him this baby is very active, constantly moving. He was like, yeah, he's moving... I told him that baby's don't breathe until they hit the air... they may practice using their lungs prior to birth... Then he said something about the lungs developing in the last 4 weeks. I was like, yeah, I know that! I am not at risk for a premature baby! Neither of my girls were premature.
Anyways, I was just so pumped up about having an unassisted homebirth. :( I had spent a good part of the day looking up different sites, joining different homebirth support groups, reading birth stories... etc. BornFree, Empowered Childbirth, Unhindered Living - The Online Childbirth Class, Bob's Unassisted Homebirth Site for Fathers, Birthing Basics, etc...
I told myself in the beginning that I'd birth where I felt I should, whether that be at the hospital with Melanie, CNM or at home with my family. I told myself that I'd look for signs. I'd pray about it. I'd talk to both myself and the baby. And I have done these things.
Jeremy told me that I was going to kill our boy. I told him that I'd never endanger our children's lives. Never. I couldn't believe how much he doesn't trust me.
He kept saying that when you're in that intense labor, you don't know what's going on... I was like, yeah, I know, primal instincts take over... but, I'd make 'the call' BEFORE getting to that point!!!
Oh yeah, he also said he wanted me to be in the hospital so that I can get my tubes tied. I told him I never said I was going to do that. I have talked to him about the process and how its easier to do it after birth and how at the last prenatal, the doctor said I'd have to sign a consent form at least 30 days before the birth (and then they go and change my next appointment to a week later! That'll be pushing that 30 day thing!). I told him that I had thought about it because my bro's wife, Jessica is going to have hers done. So, I have looked into a little bit. But, never decided I was going to through it. I told him, what if I change my mind? What if he changes his mind? What if after having this baby, he is so in love with him and all that he wants to have one more? He didn't really say much after that. He said at some point though that 3 kids was enough for him. BTW, yes, I know that they can reverse the procedure, but there's no guarantee that you'll conceive or carry a baby to term. I can see myself signing the consent form just in case. The doc said just because I sign it, doesn't mean I have to go through with it once I'm there.
Well, I have 6 wks 3 days until my EDD. I have a good amount of time left. I'll keep doing what I'm doing and see how things progress. He has told me his feelings on the matter as of now, of course, under the influence of alcohol. We've talked about it. That might have relieved some of that fear he has. Like I said, we'll see. I mean, I have to respect his thoughts. This is his baby as well as my own. I have to take what he says into consideration. He can be intuitive. Its not like I hated Ursula's birth, I didn't. I wouldn't mind doing it that way again, in all actuality. I just don't like the thought of Melanie not doing deliveries on the weekends. Oh, that's what I told him too... if he wants me to go to the hospital, have another waterbirth, he needs to pray that I go into labor during the week so that Melanie will be assisting me and not some unknown doctor who doesn't know my history and wishes.
Guess I need to go ahead and make up a birth plan again! I'm sure I have the one I used on one of my PC CD's... instead of looking for it, I'll see about just making up another one.
In conclusion... I'll still continue to pray, soul search, talk to the baby, etc. And we'll see what the outcome turns out to be sometime in December!
He was telling me about work and all... and when he started kind of winding down, I told him that this baby was going to be born at home. He told me that no, it wasn't. He told me that I wasn't in good enough shape to do it at home. I told him what difference would it make in the hospital? He also told me that it was awful seeing me in pain for my births... Its not like I'll be taking drugs there anyways! He told me that I am constantly breathing hard or catching my breath or something to do with my breathing. I told him that is because this baby is positioned differently then the others but right before the due date, he'll drop and I'll breathe better. He said I'm having too many aches and pains and I have to roll off the couch and stuff... Again... positioning. I remember having to roll off the couch for my other pregnancies. And I had aches for Calista too. Then he was telling me that he had dreams about this baby's birth. Brought up the one about me checking my dilation. I told him I thought that was a good sign. He told me he didn't tell me the rest of the dream. The baby was not there. It wasn't born but I wasn't pregnant anymore after checking my dilation. He couldn't remember how far dilated I was. He told me that he fears that this baby will have problems because of my breathing. That he'll have lung problems. That God doesn't want him having a son, so, they'll be something 'wrong' with him. I told him that the baby is fine. I give birth to strong babies. I told him this baby is very active, constantly moving. He was like, yeah, he's moving... I told him that baby's don't breathe until they hit the air... they may practice using their lungs prior to birth... Then he said something about the lungs developing in the last 4 weeks. I was like, yeah, I know that! I am not at risk for a premature baby! Neither of my girls were premature.
Anyways, I was just so pumped up about having an unassisted homebirth. :( I had spent a good part of the day looking up different sites, joining different homebirth support groups, reading birth stories... etc. BornFree, Empowered Childbirth, Unhindered Living - The Online Childbirth Class, Bob's Unassisted Homebirth Site for Fathers, Birthing Basics, etc...
I told myself in the beginning that I'd birth where I felt I should, whether that be at the hospital with Melanie, CNM or at home with my family. I told myself that I'd look for signs. I'd pray about it. I'd talk to both myself and the baby. And I have done these things.
Jeremy told me that I was going to kill our boy. I told him that I'd never endanger our children's lives. Never. I couldn't believe how much he doesn't trust me.
He kept saying that when you're in that intense labor, you don't know what's going on... I was like, yeah, I know, primal instincts take over... but, I'd make 'the call' BEFORE getting to that point!!!
Oh yeah, he also said he wanted me to be in the hospital so that I can get my tubes tied. I told him I never said I was going to do that. I have talked to him about the process and how its easier to do it after birth and how at the last prenatal, the doctor said I'd have to sign a consent form at least 30 days before the birth (and then they go and change my next appointment to a week later! That'll be pushing that 30 day thing!). I told him that I had thought about it because my bro's wife, Jessica is going to have hers done. So, I have looked into a little bit. But, never decided I was going to through it. I told him, what if I change my mind? What if he changes his mind? What if after having this baby, he is so in love with him and all that he wants to have one more? He didn't really say much after that. He said at some point though that 3 kids was enough for him. BTW, yes, I know that they can reverse the procedure, but there's no guarantee that you'll conceive or carry a baby to term. I can see myself signing the consent form just in case. The doc said just because I sign it, doesn't mean I have to go through with it once I'm there.
Well, I have 6 wks 3 days until my EDD. I have a good amount of time left. I'll keep doing what I'm doing and see how things progress. He has told me his feelings on the matter as of now, of course, under the influence of alcohol. We've talked about it. That might have relieved some of that fear he has. Like I said, we'll see. I mean, I have to respect his thoughts. This is his baby as well as my own. I have to take what he says into consideration. He can be intuitive. Its not like I hated Ursula's birth, I didn't. I wouldn't mind doing it that way again, in all actuality. I just don't like the thought of Melanie not doing deliveries on the weekends. Oh, that's what I told him too... if he wants me to go to the hospital, have another waterbirth, he needs to pray that I go into labor during the week so that Melanie will be assisting me and not some unknown doctor who doesn't know my history and wishes.
Guess I need to go ahead and make up a birth plan again! I'm sure I have the one I used on one of my PC CD's... instead of looking for it, I'll see about just making up another one.
In conclusion... I'll still continue to pray, soul search, talk to the baby, etc. And we'll see what the outcome turns out to be sometime in December!
posted by Alison @ 6:33 AM
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